One thing I learned when writing a book about networking is how many people hate networking. Whether they’re introverts, extroverts, or anything in between, people find the word “networking” to be very disagreeable. But why?
Most of the responses I’ve gotten to this question are gut reactions to how networking makes us feel: it’s phony, transactional, shallow – the complete opposite of genuine or authentic. People often describe a scene that captures their intense dislike of networking: picture a crowded, loud hotel ballroom. Your goal is to collect X number of business cards for follow-up, but you can’t edge in on any conversations. And everyone you do talk to is scanning your name badge and looking past you to find someone more interesting.
Of course, another reason people don’t like networking is often because they feel pressed to do it when they are faced with a sudden change, perhaps one that’s time sensitive. Maybe their department is being downsized, their role is being layered, or they don’t like the new boss or the direction of the company. All of a sudden the clock is ticking, and they must find something new –and fast.
If these or similar scenarios come to mind when you think of networking, you’re right: networking isn’t fun.
Yet networking is so critical. The entire business world is built on personal relationships. As a business owner, you need to build good relationships with your customers, other business owners and entrepreneurs, and suppliers. Internally, good relationships with your employees and potential talent help build a sense of a shared mission and raise engagement. You simply can’t run a business in a silo.
Maybe “networking” isn’t fun. But do you know what is? Making genuine connections with people.
The power of genuine connections
I’ve worked in Silicon Valley for more than thirty years, and even though I consider myself an introvert, I’ve developed a reputation as someone who “knows everyone.” That’s not because I’m out there working the room; it’s because I enjoy making –and maintaining –genuine connections.
Remember the last time you had a great conversation with a stranger? Maybe you were in line at the coffee bar at a conference, or next to each other at a workshop, or you were introduced by someone you both know. And as you started talking, you just clicked.
That’s a genuine connection, and it’s a night and day difference from the disagreeable notion of “networking.” The magic of making a genuine connection is that you’re not treating the conversation like a transaction. You’re looking to find out what you have in common with someone else. This lets you create a more comfortable space for discovering how you can help each other.
By making genuine connections, you’re creating a larger web of people you can tap into over time. And if you’re in the habit of saying “yes” to meeting new people and staying loosely in touch with them, you don’t have to be as anxious when you hit a roadblock and need help. That’s because now you know a person who might have good ideas about working at Company X, or moving to a different city, or the graduate program you’ve been thinking about, or what it would be like to be a product manager.
Need a question answered, or an introduction made? Just turn to the people you’ve already connected with, who will be happy to help.
The trick to connecting? Listening, observing, and curiosity
People in my circles know me as a connector. But the power to do this is not only mine; it can be yours. A desire to codify my approach to building connections is what led me to write a book on networking.
In particular, there are three traits we introverts have that make us well suited to building a strong web of genuine connections. I believe anyone can learn them.
1. Listening
I’ve always made a game of getting the other person to talk first. It’s partly a desire to not be out in front, and partly to be able to gauge how much of my own information I want to reveal. Perhaps the biggest advantage here is that you, the questioner, learn to listen first rather than talk. Of course, when people feel heard, they’re more likely to connect with you.
Build this skill: Focus on asking questions first rather than putting the spotlight on yourself.
2. Observing
The ability to observe goes hand-in-hand with listening and empathy. Introverts tend to take in more of the world than we broadcast out, which makes us very good at noticing subtle social cues. For example, does a coworker seem more frustrated and fidgety this week? Is my colleague an active listener or do they seem agitated? Developing your skills of observation helps hone your ability to connect because it puts you into their mindset.
Build this skill: Go people-watching in a public space and pay close attention to individuals nearby. What can you deduce about them from their body language, socializing, and other activities?
3. Curiosity
Curiosity plays into making connections in a few ways. First, it’s being open to meeting someone new: thinking “Let’s see what happens!” makes you willing to connect. Second, curiosity is what drives you to hear someone’s story. When a contact wants to introduce you to someone or invite you to a professional event, your default as a curiosity-seeker is to say “okay.”
Build this skill: If you’re naturally timid or feel pressed for time, it’s fine to ease in. Commit to saying yes just 10% more of the time or saying yes to a specific event.
If you practice these three skills –listening, observing, and being curious –with everyone you meet, you’ll begin to shift from transactional networking to building genuine connections. I promise you’ll feel the difference the next time you need help from others.
